Melichrous

Everything needs space

What’s it mean to be rooted?

Exhausting newness

Stiff folding chair

Crisp autumn air

Leaning back into slow minutes

Getting absorbed in chirping of crickets

Sun slowly fading

Sleep easily rising

9/24/2021

To keep my blogging pattern, I needed to write this post last night and schedule it for this morning.

Instead, I’m writing it this evening and back saying it for this morning. Anything to keep my pattern looking back, I guess?

One of the main goals I have for myself for my posts is that I find a way to keep writing and keep posting. An earlier stumble like missing a day to post might have set me completely off on continuing to write at all.

Maybe being honest with myself about when I stumble will help open my eyes to the ways I’ve also found success.

Yesterday, I wrote about seeking external validation and ended with a question about whether “internal validation” existed.

The answer seems to be obvious—yes, internal validation exists.

However, finding that internal validation is much more difficult than searching out external validation. (Or at least it is for me.)

I hold myself to high expectations. It takes a lot for me to be satisfied with the work that I’ve done.

Is that because, as myself, I know all the tiny ways I failed along the way to my success?

Or is that because I’m too particular and just need to ease up a bit?

When we use the phrase “good job” with our son, it marks the end of the interaction. That phrase communicates to him that he has completed whatever task either he or we wanted.

The external praise reinforces validation from adults as the arbiter of accomplishment. If he has done what we’ve asked and we’ve rewarded him with our words, what reason is there for him to continue working on whatever skill he’s trying out?

The same is true for me as an employee.

After a lifetime of school, with grades to mark accomplishment and judge the value of my work, how do I know if and when what I’ve done is enough?

I’m looking for external validation in order to continue doing my job well. I want to hear my boss or one of my colleagues tell me I did a “good job.”

But, is that my goal? That all that keeps me going?

Recently, I’ve been thinking about “internal validation”? Is that a thing?

I’m managing a website redesign at work and I’ve been reviewing different parts of the site with various stakeholders.

After one meeting, I realized the importance of setting the expectations for the meeting so everyone in the meeting knows what to expect.

There’s something about setting expectations that feels both helpful and dangerous. It’s helpful in that we’re all now committing together towards a shared outcome. It’s dangerous in that now your results can be measured against the expectations you set.

If at the end of the meeting, the day, the project, you haven’t met the expectations you set, what happens next?

Is there grace to reset the expectations to something achievable? If so, what did setting the expectations really accomplish?

Are there consequences for missing the mark? If not, what was the point in setting the expectations in the first place?

As I’ve been preparing to write blog posts, I’ve been required to notice more what is happening around me.

It doesn’t take much to notice something about my day, but it does take the practice of remembering what happened. For me, this means setting aside a bit of time to reflect on my day.

What important happened today? What sticks out to me about my day?

Is there’s anything I especially want to remember for the future?

When I’m feeling grounded in myself, this takes place naturally. When I’m mentally hazy or not aware of myself, it takes some sort of reminder.

I’m attempting to use this blog to help me remember to assume that posture of noticing.

Recently, I’ve been thinking about my own purpose and why I decide to do what I do. I’ve been thinking a lot about the question “why”.

Thus: Why do I want to write a blog?

Whenever I talked to someone about potentially starting this blog the initial response has frequently been, why do you want to do that? What’s your purpose?

Is it because I have something incredibly unique to share? Some particular synthesis of information to add to the world?

No, not really. Or at least I’m not confident that I do.

There’s an identity component to asking “why”. What kind of person does my motivation make me?

Ultimately, I’m finding my drive to write a blog is almost entirely self-focused. I want a place where I can work out what I’m thinking about and build a process for creativity into my life.

I want to consider myself someone who has a blog. I want to be someone who is intentional about thinking and processing. I want to be generous with my thoughts, in case there’s anything in them that might be useful to someone else.

I’ve tried to write a blog for at least five years.

I have random folders of partially started blog posts and blog structures littered throughout my computer files. Usually these include a wide range of planning documents that I promised myself would help me to finally launch a blog for real. I would try to predict the perfect cadence for blog posts with a certain category of post running on a particular day.

In every case, this pressure of planning hindered my execution. Instead of thinking through and writing actual blog posts, I would try to create the perfect plan to get the most views. However, without a doubt, unwritten blog post gets the fewest views — zero.

My stumbling block (or at least one of my many) is trying to plan for all the possibilities at the beginning. On a medium like a personal blog—an incredibly low cost and low risk medium—there’s no need to plan to perfection. In my case, that planning always got in my way.

That’s why this time I’m creating no plan.

I’ve created a set of draft posts but no category plan. A list of possible post titles or questions bouncing around my head has replaced my hypothetical plans for themed post days.

Will it work at all? That obviously remains to be seen.

I’m starting this blog for myself and for my ideas. This is my place to practice being courageously creative.

My goal is to track my own thoughts over time. I want to explore ideas that are new to me. I will write something every day.

I am practicing showing up for myself and for my writing. It may be a note to myself or a reflection about something that caught my attention.

I don’t have an explicit aim or audience for this blog outside of expressing myself. While at this moment that feels rather egotistical, I also hope sharing my thoughts will push me to be a person who is better able to offer good to the world.

You’re welcome to join in reading whatever this may become.